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Question: My boyfriend doesn't want to go down on me. He doesn't like that, and I don't take much pleasure in penetration. We tried sex toys, I cum with it, but I still feel very frustrated. I'm always angry towards my boyfriend, and I feel that it is destroying our relationship. Because of all those problems, we have sex only occasionally, like twice in a month.


Wait 24 hours and then look at the comments on my Instagram under the post where I share this article. My prediction is the court of public opinion will comment with dozens of variations of "Dump him!"


But this blog would be boring, albeit easier to write, if I only provided two-word responses, so let's get a little more nuanced into this problem.


Not knowing your boyfriend, let's start by giving him the benefit of the doubt in his cunnilingus objection. Disliking, being uncomfortable with, or refusing to engage in a particular sexual behavior may be rooted in cultural and religious prohibitions, a physical inability, or past sexual trauma.


Not giving him the benefit of the doubt, we could assume his objection is rooted in misogyny, in that he believes going down on a woman is emasculating, or that he believes myths about "feminine hygiene." He may think that as long as he's hard, nothing else matters for intercourse - the "real" sex act.


Understanding the former reasons can induce empathy, whereas understanding the latter reasons can induce variations of "Dump him!"


What interested me about your question was that it's not even a question. It's just a statement that your boyfriend doesn't go down on you and you're angry towards him all the time. I'm not even sure you're looking for feedback. You may just needed to vent. In that case, I hear you and I can understand your anger.


But if you are soliciting my advice, my first question would be are you suffering in silence or is he aware of your frustration and constant anger towards him? Often, couples expect their partners to be mind readers about their sexual needs, and may even indirectly hint at their needs that can, ironically, have the opposite effect.


Take, for example, a heterosexual married couple I treated in the past. She really liked when her husband licked her nipples during sex. He would do it occasionally, but not enough to her satisfaction. Instead of directly asking for what she needed, she began licking his nipples during sex as a signal that she likes this behavior. After a while, he stopped licking her nipples altogether. Finally having had enough of untouched nipples, she stated her desires: "I get really turned on when you lick my nipples. You used to do it sometimes, but stopped. Can I ask why?" To which he responded, "I don't like my nipples touched, so when you started licking mine I stopped licking yours as a signal I don't like it."


The moral of the story: Direct communication is the only way to alleviate the sadness that comes with unlicked body parts.


So if you haven't already, directly ask him about his vulvar avoidance and your need to be on the receiving end of oral sex. You said "he doesn't like that," but has he ever elaborated? Why doesn't he like it? If someone offered me a bite of their vegetable stir fry and there was a water chestnut on the fork, I wouldn't just stare wide-eyed and shake my head in scared opposition to the offer. I would say I don't like eating water chestnuts because the consistency is like a sandy potato. And I don't like sand in my potatoes; it hurts my teeth.


Gaining insight into the reasons behind your boyfriend's aversion to cunnilingus may not temper the sexual frustration, but it may ease the anger if you're able to empathize with his opposition. Conversely, it may exacerbate the anger if the reason goes against what you value in a partner, in which the cacophony of "Dump him!" would grow louder in your head.


However, it's important to remember that regardless of the reason preventing him from going down on you, it may just be a boundary he has, and it would be unethical to cross that boundary or to manipulate him into crossing his own boundary.


But again, I'm not sure if you're looking for advice, but if you are, the two of you are a perfect fit for a sex therapist. Couples therapy would allow you both to explore his sexual preferences and boundaries more in depth, provide you a space to assert the fact that getting jackhammered for 30 seconds doesn't do much for you, and figure out if your sexual needs align for a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Outcomes could include getting your sexual needs met, accepting that your needs won't be met, or realizing this isn't the right relationship for either of you. He'll be able to find a partner that is indifferent about oral sex, and you'll be able to find a partner who's a cunnilingus connoisseur.


Coming or going, it'll be an improvement.


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