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Midlife Curiosity

Question: I am a married man in my 40’s, and for the most part very happy. What has changed is that I find I am fantasizing almost exclusively about performing oral sex on another male and I want to make this a reality. Is this common for men who were straight to become bi in their 40’s or at least want to suck cock?

It's not uncommon for middle-aged guys to discover new parts of themselves and to explore behaviors that have been repressed or simply not prioritized in their youth. Your 40s can be a chance to be introspective, to better understand your needs, and to pursue new desires like changing jobs, buying a Corvette, learning guitar, or sucking a penis.

A midlife crisis for some; a chance to live authentically for others.

But you're certainly not alone in being confused about shifting sexual desires as we age. This confusion might stem from the belief sexual orientation is static, and in the wise words of Lady Gaga, that we’re simply born this way. However, this is an over-simplication of sexual orientation that is used as a strategy to push back against your homophobic uncle who believes being gay is just a chosen lifestyle no different than choosing an outfit to wear for work. Although, admittedly, even choosing an outfit for work is influenced by the forces of social and cultural conditioning, and it could be argued we don’t actually choose anything in life, even our clothes. But these arguments are better suited for my upcoming children’s book, Free Will is an Illusion, Life is Meaningless, and Other Bedtime Stories.

I digress.

Sexuality is not static; it is fluid. Who and what turn us on can, and often does, change over time. Your vanilla palate may one day find itself aroused to the thought of being hogtied by someone dressed as Special Agent Dana Scully. Or specifically to your case, and without the 90s sci-fi references, you can find yourself all of a sudden wanting a penis in your mouth.

So yes, it's possible you've spent 40 years of your life identifying as a heterosexual man and now you're bi after becoming interested in the dicks of other men. Welcome to Club Bisexual. Please see the receptionist to claim your complimentary Bowie record.

There are other sexual orientation labels beyond bisexual that may be applicable to your identity, too. There is bi-curious, pansexual, omnisexual, heteroflexible, mostly straight, and the overly long-winded there are people who are more heterosexual than I am.

It should also be noted that your sexual orientation may not have changed. You can be a straight guy that sucks cock. That may sound oxymoronic, but it reflects being sexually attracted to a sexual behavior, and not necessarily attracted to the person with whom you're engaging in the sexual behavior.

If it's important to you, there are a plethora of sexual identity labels that provide precise language for specific attractions. If it's not important to you, then the last three paragraphs have just been mental masturbation. And that's fine, too, if you just want to focus on the fellating regardless of what you call yourself.

Sexual orientation aside, the task at hand moving forward is how to turn your fantasy into a reality. How will you pursue this urge? Will your wife know? Will you have an open relationship for this one behavior? Does she want to watch or be involved? Will this be with strangers or a friend? Do you just want to suck or do you also want to get sucked? Are you able to find a COVID-safe glory hole?

There are some logistics and practical considerations to figure out, but the short answer to your question is yes, it is not uncommon for a straight guy in their 40s to have shifting sexual desires. So go forth and live your midlife deliciously by enjoying those cocks.

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