The Golden Age of Sexuality
Question: I’m a 29-year-old male and I feel like my sexual relationship with my boyfriend of six months has hit a plateau. I’m pretty kinky, but he seems to be very vanilla. One of my favorite activities with previous partners is urinating on each other, but I’m nervous that he would think I’m a “pervert” if I even mention that. I really like this guy and do not want to push him away, but I also feel like my sex life is lacking without this. Suggestions?
Are you excited you may have found the love of your life, but are worried you’ll never get to foster that love by peeing on him? While there may not be a Hallmark card that can express your specific interest to your boyfriend, there are plenty of strategies you can utilize to assertively and sensitively communicate your desires.
Urophilia (also known as urolagnia, water sports, piss play, and golden showers) is a perfectly normal and healthy sexual interest and behavior. But as you seem to already know, not everyone is going to be down for getting urinated on. Cultural etiquette surrounding urination requires us being in a private space, wiping the toilet rim clean of splashes (and floor if your stream resembled a snake’s tongue), and washing your hands of any urine molecules that now call your knuckles home. So it’s understandable how it may be difficult for someone to chuck all of the etiquette and be comfortable, let alone aroused, with piss dripping down his forehead.
Nevertheless, my first challenge for you is to explore the perceived kink discrepancy in the relationship. You describe yourself as kinky and him as vanilla, but what led you to this conclusion? Have the two of you thoroughly shared sexual interests, preferences, and needs? Or are you interpreting his lack of initiation of kinky behavior as disinterest? Often the latter is true and couples find themselves in a good ol’ fashioned kink standoff. Neither partner wants to disclose their fantasies out of fear of being labeled a "pervert." Who knows, your boyfriend may have sent me a similar message asking how he can ask his partner to pee on his back while watching Schitt's Creek. I'll have to check my inbox.
As I say in most of my articles, this conversation can be approached delicately by sharing a host of sexual interests and fantasies. Start slow. Do not lay down the urine card on the first hand. Share more common interests first, like blindfolding and toe sucking, before raising the ante. This will help both of you build a tolerance to the vulnerability. It’s a fun game, back and forth, slowly testing each other’s acceptance before someone plays the ace card and discloses he wants to role-play eating your brain.
See, sharing your interest in urophilia seems pretty simple when I compare it to Hannibal Lecter fantasies.
However, even after explicit dialogue around sexual fantasies has taken place, he may object to the behavior. You may inform him that urine is a relatively low risk bodily fluid to come into contact with, but he still may simply say, “Dude, don’t pee on me."
The last piece of negotiation will involve not looking at this, or any, sexual behavior as all-or-nothing. Would he be comfortable with peeing in the shower instead of on the living room floor? Hosing on feet instead of the face? Sprinkling on the legs instead of the larynx?
What about pissing in the afternoon after consuming plenty of water instead of excreting the highly concentrated amber pulp in the morning? Can you just watch each other urinate? Pee into cups and splash it on yourself? How about filling up squirt guns and having some backyard summertime fun?
It’s your sex life; get creative with it.
But despite the negotiating, he has a right to place any type of boundary on the behavior, including a strict “pee only goes in the potty” policy. And he should not feel ashamed or guilty for asserting these boundaries.
Conversely, you need to explore your needs and be honest with yourself. How important is this behavior to you? Is it a deal breaker for the relationship if the boundary is too conservative for your taste? Not being honest with yourself will only build resentment, which may manifest unhealthily in symbolic fights at Home Depot over which shade of yellow paint best accents the bathroom.
But initiating a simple conversation about sexual fantasies can skirt the potential resentment, as well as alleviate the anxiety and trepidation you are currently experiencing. Go slow. Listen and be empathetic. And hopefully with good communication and negotiation, you’ll soon be enjoying the pee party you crave.