Updated: Jan 27
Question: My boyfriend has a small penis and I want more penetrative sex. He satisfies me otherwise, but should I break up with him or talk to him?
Much like Goldilocks looking for the perfect accommodations during her breaking and entering, this search is also a common challenge for sexual satisfaction - finding a penis not too small, not too big, but just right.
I'm sorry if I just ruined your favorite fairy tale.
But although this pursuit is a common challenge, we need to ask if it should be. Are we placing too much emphasis on the appearance and function of a piece of flesh that, regardless of its size, is only a small fraction of the person it's attached to? Can we not see the bigger picture of sexual and relational satisfaction if, ironically, our view is obstructed by a small penis?
Furthermore, terms like small and big are relative, and the adjectives are often assigned to penises based on personal preferences. Although the average erect penis length is a little over 5 inches, someone may think a 6-inch penis is too small, whereas someone else may think a 5-inch penis is too big. As sexy as the statistics of penis averages are, they do not dictate what sexually arouses us.
So wherever your boyfriend's penis rests on the dick size spectrum, you're saying it's too small for you. And that's fine. But you say you're satisfied in other ways, so it's important to not lose sight of the many avenues to sexual pleasure and satisfaction. Pick a body part and pick a verb, and you'll find hundreds of ways to stimulate and be stimulated, of which only a tiny number involves a penis, and even a tinier number involves an erect penis. Your entire body can be a sexual organ, and it’s amazing to learn what your fingers, mouth, lips, tongue, nipples, toes, elbows, and eyelids are capable of experiencing.
Yes, even eyelids.
But expanding the avenues to sexual pleasure may not be enough. If you significantly value penetrative sex and his anatomical shortcoming is leaving you unfulfilled, let's look at two options before you make a clean break and make a Tinder bio that says "Must be 7 inches to enter."
Option 1 - Toys
When our bodies do not have the physical ability to perform a task or function, fortunately our evolved primate brains and opposable thumbs have allowed us to rely on tools to complete the job. Sexual tasks are no exception, wherein we can rely on a variety of sex toys to provide us with sexual sensations our attached parts cannot provide. In your case specifically, inventors with the genius of Edison have created hollow strap-on dildos that your boyfriend can wear over his penis that will make him look like a porn star in a jock strap.
But before you surprise him with the Gift of Dildo and bluntly tell him "Your penis is too small; wear this or it's over" you'll need to gently broach the subject. Instead of focusing on his limitations, focus on your needs. Instead of saying "Your tiny dick doesn't satisfy me" say something like "I'd really like the sensation of more fullness during penetration" or "I'd really like to be stimulated deeper inside me" depending on the preference for larger girth or length. You could start by using non-strapped-on toys for him to get used to his penis taking a back seat to your penetrative pleasure, and then gradually suggest he wear a hollow dildo over his penis during intercourse.
This may bring up feelings of emasculation for him, but it's his responsibility to acknowledge, discuss, and manage any insecurities that emerge. And despite what herbal supplement advertisers try to sell you, it's important to remember masculinity isn't tied to penis size or function.
Option 2 - Opening Up
If either of you object to strap-ons, the other option is opening up the relationship for you to get this specific sexual need met by someone else. As with opening a relationship for any reason, great care should be taken in order to preserve the bonds of the primary relationship. The goal of opening up should be to enhance your relationship with your boyfriend, not diminish it. Many discussions about boundaries would be necessary before becoming non-monogamous, one of which is whether you'd be opening up to a secondary, loving relationship or just a bigger dick to fuck when the mood should strike. These discussions would warrant their own blog post, so I would refer you to the booksThe Ethical Slut or Opening Up to get a better sense of how to do this healthily and ethically.
If additional routes to pleasure, hollow strap-ons, and opening the relationship are resisted or insufficient, the decision is ultimately yours whether a small penis is breakup-worthy. You'll be able to find a partner with a bigger penis, and he'll be able to find a partner who is satisfied with his. Body part sizes are inconsequential for many, but maybe it's not for you. Just like Goldilocks not settling until she found something that was "just right," you too need to be honest with yourself and your needs. Otherwise, you're at risk of building resentment and passive aggressively leaving baby carrots throughout your home as a signal of your displeasure. Let's try to avoid that.