All-Natural Male Bullshit

Question: I’ve always been insecure about the size of my penis. How effective, if at all, are these pills that claim to increase size and performance? I am skeptical, but would be willing to try them if they worked.

If your spam folder is similar to most individuals’, it would seem that we are all suffering from small penises and are in desperate need of “all-natural male enhancement.” However, these ads are coming from sources that seem to be as credible as a faith healer selling you holy water that makes you healthy, rich, and able to fart miracles.

It is all a racket. The degenerate companies of these products are preying upon men’s insecurities about their penis size and sexual performance. They are trying to sell you a fake cure for a fake problem. And while it may seem that they are genuinely concerned about the size and capabilities of your dick, they are actually just being dicks.

There is no pill that will increase the size of your penis. At best, some ingredients from these non-FDA-approved drugs (like ginseng) may slightly increase blood flow to your penis. Other ingredients like horny goat weed, while cleverly named, have no proven impact on penile functioning. And at worst, some of the ingredients like yohimbe can have serious side effects like significantly raising blood pressure and heart rate. But even with these inconsistent and potentially dangerous effects, the pills are not changing the size of your penis. What you currently have dangling between your legs is not going to get any bigger by popping pills sold by charlatans.

Feel free to smack the smile off of Smiling Bob.

So what can you do if you are still left with these concerns about your penis size and without a magic pill to alleviate your anxiety? Well first, our perception of what an average penis looks like is greatly distorted. From data received from recent studies, the average length of an erect penis ranges from 5.1 to 5.6 inches. That’s a far cry from the 9-inch penises that we are accustomed to seeing in porn that we often compare ourselves to.

Furthermore, there is even greater variability with the size of non-erect penises; and not only between guys, but also within you. Depending on mood, anxiety, caffeine intake, medications, temperature, underwear type, and a host of other factors, the size of your flaccid penis may vary from time to time. You may drop your pants one day and look as if you are auditioning for the Ron Jeremy biopic, but the next day it looks like a Chipotle pinto bean.

But even if your penis is smaller than average, it does not mean you are incapable of receiving or giving sexual pleasure. Do not reduce your sexuality down to a piece of flesh only a few inches long. Your entire body is a sexual organ. It’s amazing to learn what your fingers, mouth, lips, tongue, nipples, toes, elbows, and eyelids are capable of experiencing.

Yes, even eyelids.

So whatever size your penis is, it will not get any bigger from taking over-hyped and unethically marketed herbs. Accept your penis in its current state. Refocus your sexual attention to your whole body and not just your genitals.

And if it’s any consolation for feeling bamboozled by deceptive marketing, the founder of Enzyte – the company with that brought us Smiling Bob and "enhancement pills" – is currently serving a 25-year prison sentence after being convicted of 93 counts of conspiracy, fraud, and money laundering. That piece of sweet justice should make any penis happy.

A cocktail for a bigger cock? More like a cocktail for disappointment and hypertension.

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